How many times can I say I’ve gone to sleep crying and wishing I was no longer ‘me’? How many times have I awoken from a restless slumber, tired and drained, lost and alone - hoping I was someone else? To just forget myself, to want a new reality to come from my fantasies? To stop feeling the pain, to stop feeling so empty inside to stop bleeding … to stop being so pathetic. Tired, oh so very tired, drained …broken and completely terrified of the sounds I’d hear at the door to my room, my prison, my Hell. Praying to go numb, to go blank, and to become lost in the mouth of madness. All that is gone now except for in my memories which swim around and haunt me in my sick little mind, and yet life is pain. I have love and I have dear friends yet I am still just a mess of a woman, stuck in a trap of painful flesh. Flesh is a trap … a shell. I walk the line of life and death, always have, and always will. The soul is the envoy Will says. Is the soul to set us free?
Forgive me for the … choppiness of this writing, for I am not well. Tis why I’ve run away, nearly blindly, I did to Iscax. My eyes no longer saw the light – not for weeks and weeks. I knew not what to do and I was sinking into darkness with not a hint of light. Not until today. In the temple where I prayed to Lord Ben, I saw a gleam of light. Will says he hadn’t told me of the steps he intended to take, so that everything from me came freely - not premeditated in any ways. At first I was unsure, and shy, tired and I had no drive inside. But as I was bowed at the alter in the great temple of Ben, with my hands clasped together, the emotions started to pour from me, and I prayed and prayed and prayed. Oh Gods how I prayed. And then Will prayed. We prayed for freedom of the chains that bind my body and my heart and my soul. We prayed for faith and for hope to guide me back on my path, whatever that path may be. We prayed for me to find myself, whoever it is I am … and to find strength in love and guidance from our Gods.
After I prayed in the temple, I tried to do as he asked, yet I could not. I’d close my eyes and try to clear my head of everything, relax my muscles … breathe, clean … but I failed. Will said he thought that would happen the first try and not to be disheartened. But I was. Though with a faint smile, I had realized that it was also the first time in weeks perhaps that I was not lacking energy to want to do something. A swim, a walk, but it was not to be. Will says we are not here for fun, so I ate a Korunga and rested instead. It was for the best, as the temple experience had left me quite breathless and more exhausted then I realized, once the overwhelming ness of it all began to fade Though it had left me breathless, the experience had given me something positive. Some light. Some life. I had promised Will I would eat, though it was so hard for me to do so, and I later woke from my rest in the park rather sick to my stomach. It was then I picked up this journal and my plume and I began to write. I have come to a realization so far and it is on the subject of my eating habits. Will pointed out that they are quite bad and unhealthy and have been since he has known me. Yes, I do not eat properly and he isn’t surprised, as it has been that way my whole life. I've struggled with food since I was a young girl. I can't eat much on a good day so can you imagine how I feel right this moment… in the despair - beyond despair, that I am trapped inside and how hard it really is for me to eat? I know it is not healthy but all those years trapped inside my prison, it was the ONLY thing I had that I could control. All those horrible long years when there was not one other aspect in my life I could control, there was food. So … I have issues. I’m too thin and unhealthy. I will try and work on that but it is a sensitive issue, with no real easy fixes.
And now before I lay my head down again to rest I remember his words to me. He said that we are not here for me to drift. We are here to bring me back. Back to my friends and to Pallas and to my family. His exact words. I know Will loves me and cares for me and truly wants this to help me. As a cleric and man of the Gods will, he knew what I, a broken woman of the Gods will needed. They might not understand what it is I am doing here, but they will – and that all that matters is I come back to them healthier then when I left them. I know they will understand, they love me, they have to understand. I only wish I’d waited to say goodbye in person, it is my only regret this moment as I write in here - but at the time I could barely hold my plume to parchment let alone search for them. It was not a good choice, but it was no-ones doing but my own. I, not of sound body or mind left without a single word. Will knew nothing of that. All I know for SURE this moment is that I saw a gleam of light today - and if Pallas or anyone I love would try to undermine anything that I may accomplish here, and upset me again if and when I return, then all of this will be meaningless … for naught, and I will know that I was not ever loved as true as told. That would crush me too badly and I would walk away for good. I think of that chance … and I become afraid to let the hope and dreams back inside, to feel they love I so desperately need. And then my heart begins to ache once more and I weep under the tree I write from.
‘Nothin worth it ever came easy’. He sure got that one right.
Monday, 31 March 2008
Sunday, 30 March 2008
[SIZE=5][FONT=Tempus Sans ITC]I sent them letters.
I hope the birds make it to them.
I hope they leave me be ... to my last resort.
I hope they know how dearly I love them.
I hope they know how badly I ache.
I hope they know I am trying to hold on – to not slip away ... to hold onto them.
I hope they know that I am trying to save myself …and to save them as well.
I hope they know I need their love ... so much I need their love.
I hope they know I am so sorry.
... and that I am so afraid.
I am trying ... trying so hard to hold on.[/FONT][/SIZE]
I hope the birds make it to them.
I hope they leave me be ... to my last resort.
I hope they know how dearly I love them.
I hope they know how badly I ache.
I hope they know I am trying to hold on – to not slip away ... to hold onto them.
I hope they know that I am trying to save myself …and to save them as well.
I hope they know I need their love ... so much I need their love.
I hope they know I am so sorry.
... and that I am so afraid.
I am trying ... trying so hard to hold on.[/FONT][/SIZE]
Saturday, 29 March 2008
[SIZE=11][COLOR=maroon][FONT=chiller]
Tears stream from tortured scenes,
Mixed with the blood shed into dreams.
A shattered mind, a stopping heart,
That I know not how to restart.
A terrible hurt inside my chest,
Here one day but gone the next?
Death and love, Love and death,
Which gust will be my final breath?
Beating, beating cold like a drum,
Singing for me a deceitful hum.
I close my eyes too weak to fight,
The cold touch of its melancholy invite.
Where is the light? Am I too blinded to see? Where is the love? Am I too cold to feel?
Is it too late for me to scream ... ?[/FONT][/COLOR][/SIZE]
Tears stream from tortured scenes,
Mixed with the blood shed into dreams.
A shattered mind, a stopping heart,
That I know not how to restart.
A terrible hurt inside my chest,
Here one day but gone the next?
Death and love, Love and death,
Which gust will be my final breath?
Beating, beating cold like a drum,
Singing for me a deceitful hum.
I close my eyes too weak to fight,
The cold touch of its melancholy invite.
Where is the light? Am I too blinded to see? Where is the love? Am I too cold to feel?
Is it too late for me to scream ... ?[/FONT][/COLOR][/SIZE]
Wednesday, 26 March 2008
[COLOR=lightsteelblue]Once again as I sit here and write, the images and thoughts playing through my mind are like a strangely entertaining and quite freaky side show, but it is not a show at all. It is me. Who am I? It is my life, what is my life? What I see is flowing choppy through my head and into my eyes - like the crashing waves upon rocks. Sometimes if flows fluidly like water from a falls … starting out very lucid, but never ending clear. Always so muddled. So damn ambiguous.
A thousand pictures passing through my eyes. A thousand fingers poking at my mind. A thousand thoughts all whispering to me at once. You would think by now I’d have some clue, some real words, some pieces to put together … something to offer that makes sense to explain what I am going through - but I just do not. I do not and it makes this all the worse. I just do not belong, do I? Happiness is right around the corner, and all I am doing is walking in a circle, over and over and over again. No wonder I am so dizzy all of the time.
My mind it feels like an exhibit and I do not like what I see. I do not like how I feel. I do not like what I hear. Can others see through me - through my eyes, which mirror my soul? Do they see what I see without me showing them? Can they feel what I feel without my touch? Can they hear what I hear without my saying a word?
No.
No.
No.
I wish it would rain. I love to walk and to dance in the rain, to become drenched in its cleansing coolness - and in the rain no one can see my tears …
There are no tears … in the rain.[/COLOR]
A thousand pictures passing through my eyes. A thousand fingers poking at my mind. A thousand thoughts all whispering to me at once. You would think by now I’d have some clue, some real words, some pieces to put together … something to offer that makes sense to explain what I am going through - but I just do not. I do not and it makes this all the worse. I just do not belong, do I? Happiness is right around the corner, and all I am doing is walking in a circle, over and over and over again. No wonder I am so dizzy all of the time.
My mind it feels like an exhibit and I do not like what I see. I do not like how I feel. I do not like what I hear. Can others see through me - through my eyes, which mirror my soul? Do they see what I see without me showing them? Can they feel what I feel without my touch? Can they hear what I hear without my saying a word?
No.
No.
No.
I wish it would rain. I love to walk and to dance in the rain, to become drenched in its cleansing coolness - and in the rain no one can see my tears …
There are no tears … in the rain.[/COLOR]
Tuesday, 25 March 2008
I got a bit of enlightenment the other day from Will. I was able to share it with Lucy, but still have not had the chance to share with Pallas, though I had wanted to. Hopefully soon we can again approach the subject. Will told me that I am deserving of all I have … of Pallas and of Lucy and my other friends. Worthy of my gifts and the skills I have now. ‘Course I try and believe that and Pallas and Lucy will tell me the same but he also said that I need to really start to TRY and grasp onto that concept and to actually BELIEVE in it and embrace it. The part that has had me so stuck in thought was this. He says that if I do not start then I am never going to think or believe that any of it is true.
He says that is a big part of what haunts me. Me. Myself … and my own self doubt and feelings of worthlessness. Not the memories of my past and my Father and Myoakka, but myself and my self loathing thoughts. I had never looked at it quite that way before, that it is my own feelings that do this. Not only my past and my Father and all … and what has drilled inside my head, but … me and the result of that life that has been left inside me, and the lack of faith I have in myself.
Lucy agrees and as they say I’ve been through a lot in my life but I am still here, so maybe I really am supposed to be here. But if I am then why would I be meant to feel as lost as I usually do? I kneep telling them I wouldn’t blame any of them for finally getting tired of me, yet here they stay It is hard for me, all of this - I mean I went from … ‘there’ and that life of torment torture and pain to being thrust right into this land, where I finally ended up, with no real in-between and nothing to go by on how to live or think or feel, but what is inside of me.
Lucy told me she loves me and that she’ll tell me any moment of any day that I want or need to hear it. She said that she knows what being my friend means. It means ups and downs and times of extreme happiness and extreme sadness. It means many emotions, laughs and tears. She said that she thinks that perhaps I just spend too much time only hanging out with the sad part of myself and she says I should set up an appointment with the other side. She says I’ll really like her a lot. Lucy isn’t asking me to change myself unrealistically, either, and for that I truly appreciate her more then ever.
But then she asked if I trusted her and Will and Pallas. I said of course I do more then anything; I trust the three of you. She says good then if I mean that then I must know that they are all telling me the truth about this other side to me, this kind, wonderful sweet, funny and beautiful side that I just refuse to see in myself for more then a marc, she really does exist and not just in my mind. She told me that the next time I am genuinely having a fun and silly time to just take a step backwards and I may just see that girl she loves.
Sounds so easy, does it not? I only wish that it was …
He says that is a big part of what haunts me. Me. Myself … and my own self doubt and feelings of worthlessness. Not the memories of my past and my Father and Myoakka, but myself and my self loathing thoughts. I had never looked at it quite that way before, that it is my own feelings that do this. Not only my past and my Father and all … and what has drilled inside my head, but … me and the result of that life that has been left inside me, and the lack of faith I have in myself.
Lucy agrees and as they say I’ve been through a lot in my life but I am still here, so maybe I really am supposed to be here. But if I am then why would I be meant to feel as lost as I usually do? I kneep telling them I wouldn’t blame any of them for finally getting tired of me, yet here they stay It is hard for me, all of this - I mean I went from … ‘there’ and that life of torment torture and pain to being thrust right into this land, where I finally ended up, with no real in-between and nothing to go by on how to live or think or feel, but what is inside of me.
Lucy told me she loves me and that she’ll tell me any moment of any day that I want or need to hear it. She said that she knows what being my friend means. It means ups and downs and times of extreme happiness and extreme sadness. It means many emotions, laughs and tears. She said that she thinks that perhaps I just spend too much time only hanging out with the sad part of myself and she says I should set up an appointment with the other side. She says I’ll really like her a lot. Lucy isn’t asking me to change myself unrealistically, either, and for that I truly appreciate her more then ever.
But then she asked if I trusted her and Will and Pallas. I said of course I do more then anything; I trust the three of you. She says good then if I mean that then I must know that they are all telling me the truth about this other side to me, this kind, wonderful sweet, funny and beautiful side that I just refuse to see in myself for more then a marc, she really does exist and not just in my mind. She told me that the next time I am genuinely having a fun and silly time to just take a step backwards and I may just see that girl she loves.
Sounds so easy, does it not? I only wish that it was …
Sunday, 23 March 2008
I am still so exhausted and it is really weighing on me. I miss my friends and I miss Pallas. He was awake for so long just recently and I all I really wanted to do was just wanted to sleep. I feel so lonely and detached from everyone and everything and yet for all my supposed sleeping, I am still as exhausted – if not MORE exhausted feeling then ever. I just do not feel right inside and yet I do not know why. Pallas, Lucy, Will – how long will they even want to put up with me this way? The moods, the freak outs, the blackouts the confusion the pain … how long can I deal with it even?? Without them, without the life I have now, Id have surly given up on myself long ago. Would have done the wrong thing and ended up in trouble, hurt or dead. Heck, it has almost happened recently, but … I’ve been so lucky and blessed, but could I blame any of them if they wished to walk away? I can not even express what some have done for me as of recent ... or what it means to me.
Speaking of walking away – seems something happened while I was sleeping in the guild. I’ve not seen Shade to speak with her but I am worried about her and about Sash, too. Lately he seems to not be himself with the out bursting and now this. I hate what has happened and I hope that it is sorted soon, but I can not say I do not understand, for I’ve not been myself for a while, if I ever had a ‘self’ to be. I do not even know who I am or if I ever have known. I just feel like a puzzle with damaged and lost pieces, pieces that perhaps never even fit properly into place at all. It is a most unsettling way to feel and it hurts not just myself, but those around me. I am so sorry for that. I wish I could switch it all off, dig a hole and dump everything I am feeling inside which I do not understand and bury it for good – but I can not. I’ve tried, it does not work. I journeyed back home and though that did help certain ways and changed me in other ways, it did not just kill past demons. I am not sure what it has done, but judging how I feel, I am not sure it was all good. I just can not put my finger on things. Maybe it has nothing to even do with all this now.
I am so tired of feeling haunted and so frustrated with feeling so off, sick and down and making others feel that way. Even if they won’t tell me so, I know I do. I am sick of waking up from episodes in which I can not remember what happened. I’ve not been completely honest with everyone on just how they have been affecting me lately. I brush it off; make it less important then it possibly is when for all I know I’ve got something worse inside my head then just a bad mental issue. But I just want to make my friends and Pallas happy. I want to be happy. I just want to feel like a person. A woman deserving of the loves in her life - a life she is very lucky to even have. But I can not even cry to Cory anymore and feel that I am okay … how can I convince anyone else I am? I am starting to feel like the boat I am on is being pulled down into a vortex and there is no device strong enough that can save my life before it sinks forever. But I know we'd all fight for that not to happen, that my friends would not give up ... and Pallas would not ever give up. But would I finally give up on myself?
My life it feels so ... bittersweet.
Speaking of walking away – seems something happened while I was sleeping in the guild. I’ve not seen Shade to speak with her but I am worried about her and about Sash, too. Lately he seems to not be himself with the out bursting and now this. I hate what has happened and I hope that it is sorted soon, but I can not say I do not understand, for I’ve not been myself for a while, if I ever had a ‘self’ to be. I do not even know who I am or if I ever have known. I just feel like a puzzle with damaged and lost pieces, pieces that perhaps never even fit properly into place at all. It is a most unsettling way to feel and it hurts not just myself, but those around me. I am so sorry for that. I wish I could switch it all off, dig a hole and dump everything I am feeling inside which I do not understand and bury it for good – but I can not. I’ve tried, it does not work. I journeyed back home and though that did help certain ways and changed me in other ways, it did not just kill past demons. I am not sure what it has done, but judging how I feel, I am not sure it was all good. I just can not put my finger on things. Maybe it has nothing to even do with all this now.
I am so tired of feeling haunted and so frustrated with feeling so off, sick and down and making others feel that way. Even if they won’t tell me so, I know I do. I am sick of waking up from episodes in which I can not remember what happened. I’ve not been completely honest with everyone on just how they have been affecting me lately. I brush it off; make it less important then it possibly is when for all I know I’ve got something worse inside my head then just a bad mental issue. But I just want to make my friends and Pallas happy. I want to be happy. I just want to feel like a person. A woman deserving of the loves in her life - a life she is very lucky to even have. But I can not even cry to Cory anymore and feel that I am okay … how can I convince anyone else I am? I am starting to feel like the boat I am on is being pulled down into a vortex and there is no device strong enough that can save my life before it sinks forever. But I know we'd all fight for that not to happen, that my friends would not give up ... and Pallas would not ever give up. But would I finally give up on myself?
My life it feels so ... bittersweet.
Thursday, 20 March 2008
Well last moon was a little better. I got to spend some time with Pallas at the moon and I had missed our chats, with me being so sleepy and down, I have just not had the energy for much at all. We sat and talked on my favorite couch by the fire, sharing a drink and just relaxing as we chatted. It was nice just to be curled close together. He always comforts me whern he holds me. Though I must admit, I feel slightly misunderstood and edgy right now as I write - and not just misunderstood by my dear Pallas but everyone as of late. it is no ones fault and I am not upset with anyone, it is just how I am feeling. I am pretty sure I know what it is that is NOT bothering me or dragging me down these days but others seem to have their own ideas and thoughts concerning what those reasons may be. And that is fine, everyones entitled of course. It is just frustrating sometimes because I think I know what is going on inside of me (even when I do not) more then anyone else, dont I? Yes, I may not know what exactly it is causing my down and out feelings as of late, but I do very well know what it is not. But I want to find out and this is why I ask questions to my closest. I want them to be honest with me and help guide me. I hope that they always are and it is what I need the most. Even if what they say is not what I think I feel, it helps me to sort through my feelings a bit better.
Sometimes I do honestly feel like everyone close to me is over protecting me in some way like I may break – and I might! I am unstable, I know that. I am not a fool. Calling myself ‘ mentally shattered’ may not always help my case any and while I so understand and I appreciate the delicate touch they have with me, and love them for caring enough to be so sweet with me, I am a grown woman and I am usually capable of looking after myself - when in the right state of mind. Other times I DO need that gentle way, or I burst into tears or something. How is that for a contradiction? I am starting to loose focus now and my state of mind is changing as I try and write this all out. It is so frustrating!
Mmmmm. State of mind, now there is a strange and usually touchy subject for me. I better write what is on my mind before I decide against it. Anyone that really knows me and loves me knows I am not all together there. I never have been and never will be and it does not take a genius to see this and those close to me know why and what I’ve been through. I truthfully wouldn’t be surprised if what my Father and Myoakka did to me for so long caused more damage then I even realize. Maybe the blackouts are not just from stress and fatigue and anxiety and being overwrought but because there is something wrong physically inside? How can I know? I have no way of knowing, not without other symptoms and any other symptoms I have – occasional nose bleeds and headaches so bad I want to cry – I’ve always had, so they really do not count. Do they?
Back to my state of mind. I can be moody, impulsive, naive, emotional, absent-minded, fatigued, anxious, short tempered, manic, unrealistic … or too realistic if that makes any sense … and completely irrational sometimes, and then on the same coin, just different side, I can be the opposite of all those things. Calm, level headed, laid back, sensible, etc. Confused yet, because I sure am! I often feel like I am having two separate sets of thoughts and hear two separate voices within those thoughts. Sometimes my mind just blanks out on me because I am so overwhelmed, and then I black out! I love to daydream and allow myself to live in a fantasy for a while to escape whatever thoughts are weighting on my mind, but at the same time I am a realist, or at least I like to think I am, a part of me is for sure. I know what I want from things, but I also know how the world seems to work and what you get out of it, and in most cases they are very different. But sometimes we are given a rare and unique gift, a gift such as a love you never thought you’d experience except in a fantasy or a dream, - and when we are, it is to be cherished as the precious gift that it is.
So basically … while I know this is confusing and I have been rambling - I am not crazy. I do realize that I am delicate in ways, but I am also very strong as well. Yes I have my issues, who doesn’t, but I can accept them as part of me – even on days I really think I hate myself, and I would really appreciate that others try to understand as well. I know my loved ones do, as best they can but I guess sometimes I just feel … I don’t know, totally misunderstood. There is no need to always sugar coat things with me, I guess is what I am asking, too. I love the fact that my friends want to protect me all the time but please remember this. I have not ever yet lost hope. Not ever - not even back when I was locked in that tower and treated the way I was. There was always that glimmer I held onto, it is what kept me alive, even when I did not think I wanted to live anymore. Though I am all of those things I’ve said - I am also smart and sweet and loyal and passionate and caring and extremely stubborn and I would do anything for anyone if I could. I’ve not lost the passionate fire and strength of steel which burns from inside of me … that IS me - and I ‘hope’ that I never will. I know with my love, and my friends and family to back me that I never will.
I say all this, but … will the feelings flip-flop at the change of the tides or the direction of the winds???
Oh I just do not even know anymore!
Irritatedly yours,
Ellyana
Sometimes I do honestly feel like everyone close to me is over protecting me in some way like I may break – and I might! I am unstable, I know that. I am not a fool. Calling myself ‘ mentally shattered’ may not always help my case any and while I so understand and I appreciate the delicate touch they have with me, and love them for caring enough to be so sweet with me, I am a grown woman and I am usually capable of looking after myself - when in the right state of mind. Other times I DO need that gentle way, or I burst into tears or something. How is that for a contradiction? I am starting to loose focus now and my state of mind is changing as I try and write this all out. It is so frustrating!
Mmmmm. State of mind, now there is a strange and usually touchy subject for me. I better write what is on my mind before I decide against it. Anyone that really knows me and loves me knows I am not all together there. I never have been and never will be and it does not take a genius to see this and those close to me know why and what I’ve been through. I truthfully wouldn’t be surprised if what my Father and Myoakka did to me for so long caused more damage then I even realize. Maybe the blackouts are not just from stress and fatigue and anxiety and being overwrought but because there is something wrong physically inside? How can I know? I have no way of knowing, not without other symptoms and any other symptoms I have – occasional nose bleeds and headaches so bad I want to cry – I’ve always had, so they really do not count. Do they?
Back to my state of mind. I can be moody, impulsive, naive, emotional, absent-minded, fatigued, anxious, short tempered, manic, unrealistic … or too realistic if that makes any sense … and completely irrational sometimes, and then on the same coin, just different side, I can be the opposite of all those things. Calm, level headed, laid back, sensible, etc. Confused yet, because I sure am! I often feel like I am having two separate sets of thoughts and hear two separate voices within those thoughts. Sometimes my mind just blanks out on me because I am so overwhelmed, and then I black out! I love to daydream and allow myself to live in a fantasy for a while to escape whatever thoughts are weighting on my mind, but at the same time I am a realist, or at least I like to think I am, a part of me is for sure. I know what I want from things, but I also know how the world seems to work and what you get out of it, and in most cases they are very different. But sometimes we are given a rare and unique gift, a gift such as a love you never thought you’d experience except in a fantasy or a dream, - and when we are, it is to be cherished as the precious gift that it is.
So basically … while I know this is confusing and I have been rambling - I am not crazy. I do realize that I am delicate in ways, but I am also very strong as well. Yes I have my issues, who doesn’t, but I can accept them as part of me – even on days I really think I hate myself, and I would really appreciate that others try to understand as well. I know my loved ones do, as best they can but I guess sometimes I just feel … I don’t know, totally misunderstood. There is no need to always sugar coat things with me, I guess is what I am asking, too. I love the fact that my friends want to protect me all the time but please remember this. I have not ever yet lost hope. Not ever - not even back when I was locked in that tower and treated the way I was. There was always that glimmer I held onto, it is what kept me alive, even when I did not think I wanted to live anymore. Though I am all of those things I’ve said - I am also smart and sweet and loyal and passionate and caring and extremely stubborn and I would do anything for anyone if I could. I’ve not lost the passionate fire and strength of steel which burns from inside of me … that IS me - and I ‘hope’ that I never will. I know with my love, and my friends and family to back me that I never will.
I say all this, but … will the feelings flip-flop at the change of the tides or the direction of the winds???
Oh I just do not even know anymore!
Irritatedly yours,
Ellyana
Wednesday, 19 March 2008
I am confused these days. I have my best friends who are wonderful and mean everything to me, my family, my home, my health (although that is extremely debatable from day to day), the love of my life … and yet something just seems to be missing and I can not put my finger on it. Not something bad like my father, I am glad he is gone and that he is mostly gone from my nightmares, but something good … or even just strange. Maybe nothing is missing, but back to what I’ve said before about how I have been feeling as of late.
Something is well and truly ‘off’ with me and I just can not place why or what it is, or how to help change the feeling. It really bothers me, and usually the day after I have a blackout I feel the strange ‘offness’ stronger then ever and I am feeling it so much as I write this. I feel my normal exhausted, sore, anxious and emotionally overwrought self, but just … worse and … different, too. I feel lonely but I am not, I feel ill, but am I? Physically, I dont know. Mentally, yes, emotionally ... I have no idea anymore.
It makes no sense, I know that, and I wish that it did. I dont even desire to write any longer today.
I’ve even been so tired and out of things that I’ve barely been able to stay awake long to speak with Pallas these days, let alone spend quality time or have a decent conversation with him. I really miss him …
I lvoe you, friends and family.
Something is well and truly ‘off’ with me and I just can not place why or what it is, or how to help change the feeling. It really bothers me, and usually the day after I have a blackout I feel the strange ‘offness’ stronger then ever and I am feeling it so much as I write this. I feel my normal exhausted, sore, anxious and emotionally overwrought self, but just … worse and … different, too. I feel lonely but I am not, I feel ill, but am I? Physically, I dont know. Mentally, yes, emotionally ... I have no idea anymore.
It makes no sense, I know that, and I wish that it did. I dont even desire to write any longer today.
I’ve even been so tired and out of things that I’ve barely been able to stay awake long to speak with Pallas these days, let alone spend quality time or have a decent conversation with him. I really miss him …
I lvoe you, friends and family.
Monday, 17 March 2008
[COLOR=thistle]Well my daft writing has been doing just what I intended for it to do, to make people smile, so I am happy for that. Coincidently (not really) someone elses writing has brought a smile to my own face, so I suppose we are all even? Things have been very quiet and pleasant these last few days, though I must admit I am feeling a bit uneasy and I am unsure why. I feel it on the winds as I walk the lands. I am also quite sore form all the running around me and Pallas and Lucy and Kel did the other day. I’ve been farming so much and I know I have over used my right arm and it is in pain. Will gave me some nifty paste he made from ice crystals and tree moss. It burns and is cold at the same time. I do not really understand how that can be, but I so understand the properties and the components used and together, and that is the result. Strange as it may sound, but it works pretty well.
I have not been using my shield for some time, unless there is a raid or I am in the lair, to avoid stressing the shoulder joint as it likes to flame up and pop out on me, but I find that if I do not wield my shield that I flip my weapon from left hand to right hand - since I can use both equally as well. Funny though, I can only write legible with my left hand. I wonder why that is? Maybe I just need to practice writing with my right hand and then I will be able to do it. Someone once said practice makes perfect, but I am not really sure I believe that since I think nothing is or can be totally perfect. Well, I guess that really is all in perception, is it not? I also guess that means all the times I said “it is perfect†was a lie? But it was not, so then maybe some things really can be perfect! Like a kiss or a moment with a loved one. Things that you can not practice at all but just are perfect anyways.
I love my new softly glowing gull plume but I keep trying to concentrate on my writing but am distracted by the pretty light. Pallas is right; I can write in the dark now and see what I am doing without having to bless anything! And it just glows so … so perfectly! [/COLOR]
I have not been using my shield for some time, unless there is a raid or I am in the lair, to avoid stressing the shoulder joint as it likes to flame up and pop out on me, but I find that if I do not wield my shield that I flip my weapon from left hand to right hand - since I can use both equally as well. Funny though, I can only write legible with my left hand. I wonder why that is? Maybe I just need to practice writing with my right hand and then I will be able to do it. Someone once said practice makes perfect, but I am not really sure I believe that since I think nothing is or can be totally perfect. Well, I guess that really is all in perception, is it not? I also guess that means all the times I said “it is perfect†was a lie? But it was not, so then maybe some things really can be perfect! Like a kiss or a moment with a loved one. Things that you can not practice at all but just are perfect anyways.
I love my new softly glowing gull plume but I keep trying to concentrate on my writing but am distracted by the pretty light. Pallas is right; I can write in the dark now and see what I am doing without having to bless anything! And it just glows so … so perfectly! [/COLOR]
Sunday, 16 March 2008
[COLOR=crimson][SIZE=4]Dedicated to my very best friend.
...and you know you totally love me back! [/SIZE]
[SIZE=14][FONT=chiller]There was a young woman named Gray,
Her burnt maps always lead her astray.
Trying to find the light source,
She went severely off course,
Lost for good to her loved ones dismay![/FONT][/SIZE][/COLOR]
...and you know you totally love me back! [/SIZE]
[SIZE=14][FONT=chiller]There was a young woman named Gray,
Her burnt maps always lead her astray.
Trying to find the light source,
She went severely off course,
Lost for good to her loved ones dismay![/FONT][/SIZE][/COLOR]
Saturday, 15 March 2008
[COLOR=thistle]Pallas and I have spent so much time today farming the desert that I do not think I will ever get all the same on me and in my things off. We ran into Kel and Lucy and it was good silly fun. I am seriously going to tickle Lucy to death if she sticks me with another fried fish!
The guild was all around and we had a great time just acting daft and letting loose. It was nice and felt like family again.
Speaking of silly:
[SIZE=14][FONT=chiller]There once lived a young vagabond named Nat,
Who was eaten for lunch by a giant sea rat.
Said the giant rat ...... 'Yeeeoow!!!'
Ye’d be far tastier chow,
Had ye been sauteed and served with fried cat![/FONT][/SIZE][/COLOR]
[COLOR=thistle]Ellyana <3[/COLOR]
The guild was all around and we had a great time just acting daft and letting loose. It was nice and felt like family again.
Speaking of silly:
[SIZE=14][FONT=chiller]There once lived a young vagabond named Nat,
Who was eaten for lunch by a giant sea rat.
Said the giant rat ...... 'Yeeeoow!!!'
Ye’d be far tastier chow,
Had ye been sauteed and served with fried cat![/FONT][/SIZE][/COLOR]
[COLOR=thistle]Ellyana <3[/COLOR]
Friday, 14 March 2008
I found myself in the dream room for a while, I really love it there. It was still light outside and I wanted to see the stars I love to gaze at so much, or at least something as close to them, and so what better place? Will came by sometime later and we just sat for a bit and chatted about wishes as I gazed at the star covered room. I believe wishes are private and should not really be shared unless you really feel comfortable doing so. I am a bit superstitious as well and think that if you share they may not come true, if there was the chance they could anyways. Though I did admit, and it is nothing new, that I wish the memories and images of my past could somehow be wiped from my mind. I wonder though - would that change me in any way if that could be done?
Who would I be then - the same person lacking most of my memories up until a certain point in life or a different person because I had no idea who I was previously? Does the slightest action in which anyone makes cause a reaction that will change based upon that action? Be it the path you walk, the people you touch, the breath you take …? I do not understand so I closed my eyes and tried to clear my mind, and when I did I pictured a path. It was soundless and covered in gleaming gems and crystals. I was slowly walking to them all and picking them up hesitantly, one at a time, closing my hand around them as I held tight, and watching. Each gem or crystal I picked up opened a new path in some random direction and in the same color as the stone. Some paths felt inviting, others felt taunting, and some felt confusing while others felt down right evil. Inside I felt I was trembling with excitement though outside, I was not and I and had kept myself composed. It was a very lucid day dream and a bit strange but I very much enjoyed it. It left me with many thoughts.
I reckon though that in the end wishing really gets a person no where, as life still goes on and on around a person as it will … spinning all around us and never ending. Sometimes spinning slowly and enjoyable and sometimes so fast you feel you may fall right off the edge. But I can be so stubborn and persistent and I hold onto much hope and it is that precious hope that has gotten me to where I am now, the person I am now, the people who I have now in my life, the love I cherish so deep and true … hope has given me all that I have now, and I would not change any of it … not for anything and I will never loose hold of hope - mark my words, for I may need them later. Afterall, it is no secret I am a whirlwind of emotions!
Well…anyways then … things have settled around the home front and they are so much happier and back to normal - and we are making lots of plans for the already beautiful home we share. Shade is a terrific leader and we work so well together and have a good fun time. More importantly, I can talk to her and I trust her. She is so smart and so much fun to talk with, and sometimes a bit scary. Lately, for some odd reason, she seems to be obsessed with her hair and talking about … odd additions to the guild hall. I am not sure if I should worry or laugh or cry? Maybe I’ll start stuffing my hair under a hat and watch out for flying razor blades. Te-heh! Am watching you, girl.
Who would I be then - the same person lacking most of my memories up until a certain point in life or a different person because I had no idea who I was previously? Does the slightest action in which anyone makes cause a reaction that will change based upon that action? Be it the path you walk, the people you touch, the breath you take …? I do not understand so I closed my eyes and tried to clear my mind, and when I did I pictured a path. It was soundless and covered in gleaming gems and crystals. I was slowly walking to them all and picking them up hesitantly, one at a time, closing my hand around them as I held tight, and watching. Each gem or crystal I picked up opened a new path in some random direction and in the same color as the stone. Some paths felt inviting, others felt taunting, and some felt confusing while others felt down right evil. Inside I felt I was trembling with excitement though outside, I was not and I and had kept myself composed. It was a very lucid day dream and a bit strange but I very much enjoyed it. It left me with many thoughts.
I reckon though that in the end wishing really gets a person no where, as life still goes on and on around a person as it will … spinning all around us and never ending. Sometimes spinning slowly and enjoyable and sometimes so fast you feel you may fall right off the edge. But I can be so stubborn and persistent and I hold onto much hope and it is that precious hope that has gotten me to where I am now, the person I am now, the people who I have now in my life, the love I cherish so deep and true … hope has given me all that I have now, and I would not change any of it … not for anything and I will never loose hold of hope - mark my words, for I may need them later. Afterall, it is no secret I am a whirlwind of emotions!
Well…anyways then … things have settled around the home front and they are so much happier and back to normal - and we are making lots of plans for the already beautiful home we share. Shade is a terrific leader and we work so well together and have a good fun time. More importantly, I can talk to her and I trust her. She is so smart and so much fun to talk with, and sometimes a bit scary. Lately, for some odd reason, she seems to be obsessed with her hair and talking about … odd additions to the guild hall. I am not sure if I should worry or laugh or cry? Maybe I’ll start stuffing my hair under a hat and watch out for flying razor blades. Te-heh! Am watching you, girl.
Wednesday, 12 March 2008
[COLOR=steelblue][SIZE=14][FONT=chiller]
There once was a Rogue and Cleric,
Whose relationship was hardly generic.
Was it true love at first sight?
It quite possibly have might,
But whatever – it has sure been eccentric.[/FONT][/SIZE][/COLOR]
There once was a Rogue and Cleric,
Whose relationship was hardly generic.
Was it true love at first sight?
It quite possibly have might,
But whatever – it has sure been eccentric.[/FONT][/SIZE][/COLOR]
Tuesday, 11 March 2008
Well, I must have been so disoriented and more pained then I knew after last moons arguing and … whatever that I somehow ended up not only scrawling in my journal, but sleeping in N’rolav. I thought I’d collapsed against the tree on the Valorn side. I’d run off in tears wanting to be around no one for a time, but I remember trying to get back to where Pallas rested, only I guess that never actually happened. I can not remember a night I’ve not been in his arms, and I wonder if he even looked for me or noticed? How could I not know what side I was on? It was not even Pallas I had wished to run from …
Will found me the next day - I had no strength or anything, and I did not know why … as I tried to take in my surroundings. I had not even realized my mistake until he was frowning over me and asking me what the heck I thought I was doing sleeping in N’rolav? I said I could not move and I felt drained. He sighed at me and said that feeling was a side effect from sleeping in N’rolav, spending so much time there.I think he wanted to call me daft, but he did not dare at that time. He should have, for I reckon I am if I did not even realize I was slumped against a tree in N’rolav and not in Valorn. How twisted and blurred my visions must have been in my hurt, before I ended up in such darkness all alone.
Sometimes the world just seems to spin so fast ...
Will found me the next day - I had no strength or anything, and I did not know why … as I tried to take in my surroundings. I had not even realized my mistake until he was frowning over me and asking me what the heck I thought I was doing sleeping in N’rolav? I said I could not move and I felt drained. He sighed at me and said that feeling was a side effect from sleeping in N’rolav, spending so much time there.I think he wanted to call me daft, but he did not dare at that time. He should have, for I reckon I am if I did not even realize I was slumped against a tree in N’rolav and not in Valorn. How twisted and blurred my visions must have been in my hurt, before I ended up in such darkness all alone.
Sometimes the world just seems to spin so fast ...
Monday, 10 March 2008
I can not believe the things said and done ...
It hurts.
It hurts.
[COLOR=thistle]I woke today sore, stiff, disoriented and quite ill to my stomach. I stood, shakily, but I needed to get to the comfort of the hall, and Pallas was sleeping so restful, I didn’t want to wake him so I went off on my own and now here I sit now in the guildhall and I write. I am curled beside the fire with some tea and working on some plans for the guildhall and mulling over thoughts inside my head. At first it felt nice to just rest here all curled in the bunny fuzz blankets Lucy had given to me and Pallas after we returned home from our journey, but despite being sick, I now feel restless … and tired at the same time. Strange…
Yesterday was busy. There was so much to do, so many people needing blessings, ale to be drank and stories to be heard - and even lock picks to be purchased for friends! I was delighted to do it all, and I always am. Thorin opened a treasure box for me, it was the first time I had ever asked this of him and I proudly say I was quite pleased with his knowledge and skills. Who cares the box held a silver bracelet - tis just one more trinket to add to my jewelry collection or sell to haggie. I was far more impressed watching him. Well he eventually had to smash the lock off, for it was badly damaged. Im probably not explaining that right but it was impressive to se, none the less.
I keep looking up and waiting to see my friend Arohas face in the sky, but it is not to be just yet it seems. I think eventually I will go smack Lowrenzo around for holding her up for so damn long. That there is one seriously strange rogue! And I can say that from experience.
Pallas and I had a trying evening with some things, but together we were able to deal with it all. We ran into Lucy and Kel in the streets of Dundee and then Annalorie and we had a fine time taking our mind off things and chatting together. It has been far to long since we have stood around just laughing and joking and being silly together. I made wine and Lucy made more food then even the orphans I hear about could probably even eat! And of course, there was far too much fried fish lying around. Yuck!
But I have to say that the best part of the night was seeing the glorious beauty of the meteor streaking across the skies whilst I stood hand in hand with the one I love and cherish more then life itself. To share a kiss to its splendor as we did, it made everything else which lies heavy in my heart and on my mind seem so very trivial and so unimportant - for just that one wonderful moment. [/COLOR]
Yesterday was busy. There was so much to do, so many people needing blessings, ale to be drank and stories to be heard - and even lock picks to be purchased for friends! I was delighted to do it all, and I always am. Thorin opened a treasure box for me, it was the first time I had ever asked this of him and I proudly say I was quite pleased with his knowledge and skills. Who cares the box held a silver bracelet - tis just one more trinket to add to my jewelry collection or sell to haggie. I was far more impressed watching him. Well he eventually had to smash the lock off, for it was badly damaged. Im probably not explaining that right but it was impressive to se, none the less.
I keep looking up and waiting to see my friend Arohas face in the sky, but it is not to be just yet it seems. I think eventually I will go smack Lowrenzo around for holding her up for so damn long. That there is one seriously strange rogue! And I can say that from experience.
Pallas and I had a trying evening with some things, but together we were able to deal with it all. We ran into Lucy and Kel in the streets of Dundee and then Annalorie and we had a fine time taking our mind off things and chatting together. It has been far to long since we have stood around just laughing and joking and being silly together. I made wine and Lucy made more food then even the orphans I hear about could probably even eat! And of course, there was far too much fried fish lying around. Yuck!
But I have to say that the best part of the night was seeing the glorious beauty of the meteor streaking across the skies whilst I stood hand in hand with the one I love and cherish more then life itself. To share a kiss to its splendor as we did, it made everything else which lies heavy in my heart and on my mind seem so very trivial and so unimportant - for just that one wonderful moment. [/COLOR]
Saturday, 08 March 2008
Why is it that when I needed blue crystals I’d find hundreds of dulls before a blue now every time I step foot into the spider lair I find one on the first blue I kill? It hardly seems fair to those that need them but I guess such is the way things work. Really no explanation I have for it, but there has to be a name for this sort of thing, if there is not already. Ah, yes, back in the lair. I dislike the lair, I am terrified of spiders and spider webbing on my skin and in my hair makes me shudder and feel like I could faint but I do like getting the most out of what I am doing, so this place fits that, for now. I miss training though. Perhaps Pallas and I can train sometime soon, for a bit, nothing rushed but instead of exercising and maintaining we push our muscles even harder for some bits in between all the running and farming and playing around. Though the shoulder that I had dislocated quite some time back has been bothering me when I over work it, or extend it. Nothing I can not deal with, I should think, though.
I rested with Pallas last night, but woke soon after. It always frustrates me to no end that I can not stay asleep for long. I grew restless and irritable then I got up to try and assist some in a raid that had been occurring. As I wandered about looking for people that could actually hit the beasts, I ended up at a LM, for I was wearing my ring and bunny fuzzies. Not really good gear I’d say for entering zones where one can he attacked and hurt. I came too very confused, and there was Lucy and Will. Two of the dearest friends a girl could have. Lucy gave me a pair of boots, since my gear was all in a pile on the floor of the Mooon. What was I even thinking? I then had the urge to see the pirate ship that I am so fond of so I took a walk with Will. I remember telling him one time soon I am going to explore what is left of that ship. I’ve had the urge for a long while now. I remember looking down at the bones of men still in the chains they died in and feeling a slight chill as I often do when I look to them and think of the pain the had suffered. And I remember taking a few steps, then feeling my hands clam up …my head go fuzzy then … nothing.
I hope I did not put poor Will out of his way or worry him too much. I do not remember anything but I know I woke shortly later on a pelt in the sand and I somehow found my way back to the Mooon and to Pallas in the darkness. I curled beside Pallas, my head throbbing so hard I could hear it as if it was from outside of my body instead on inside, and I could feel it pounding through my veins, it hurt so much. I’m starting to worry a bit, what if I really am sick in my head? What if this happens around a monster that shreds me to bits when I am unconscious and alone?? Mentally and emotionally, I already know that I am not quite right, I am not going to fool myself but I am trying my best to work things out in my head … but now is it affecting me physically? Is there something inside me making me sick? Ever since we returned the blackouts have happened more and more. Yes, they always have happened for me, willing or non-willing - but not like this. Is that coincidence, just my mind overworked, or did something happen there which set things all wacky inside of me? I have no way of telling but I have to wonder. What if … just what if I was meant to die there on the ground in Brighttree? I very nearly was dead for a few moments. No breath, no pulse. So what if I should be dead right now and I am not … and … because of that … I …
Oh forget it! It is just too creepy and weird to even write down! I need to keep this to myself and try and be as okay as I can be around everyone. I am just happy I am free, free of my father and his hold he has had on every part of me for so very long. Now I just fear loosing Pallas in some other way … and my dearest friends. Oh, I love you all so much.
But ... if I am meant to be dead for good already then will this not then end until I am, in fact, permanently dead?
I rested with Pallas last night, but woke soon after. It always frustrates me to no end that I can not stay asleep for long. I grew restless and irritable then I got up to try and assist some in a raid that had been occurring. As I wandered about looking for people that could actually hit the beasts, I ended up at a LM, for I was wearing my ring and bunny fuzzies. Not really good gear I’d say for entering zones where one can he attacked and hurt. I came too very confused, and there was Lucy and Will. Two of the dearest friends a girl could have. Lucy gave me a pair of boots, since my gear was all in a pile on the floor of the Mooon. What was I even thinking? I then had the urge to see the pirate ship that I am so fond of so I took a walk with Will. I remember telling him one time soon I am going to explore what is left of that ship. I’ve had the urge for a long while now. I remember looking down at the bones of men still in the chains they died in and feeling a slight chill as I often do when I look to them and think of the pain the had suffered. And I remember taking a few steps, then feeling my hands clam up …my head go fuzzy then … nothing.
I hope I did not put poor Will out of his way or worry him too much. I do not remember anything but I know I woke shortly later on a pelt in the sand and I somehow found my way back to the Mooon and to Pallas in the darkness. I curled beside Pallas, my head throbbing so hard I could hear it as if it was from outside of my body instead on inside, and I could feel it pounding through my veins, it hurt so much. I’m starting to worry a bit, what if I really am sick in my head? What if this happens around a monster that shreds me to bits when I am unconscious and alone?? Mentally and emotionally, I already know that I am not quite right, I am not going to fool myself but I am trying my best to work things out in my head … but now is it affecting me physically? Is there something inside me making me sick? Ever since we returned the blackouts have happened more and more. Yes, they always have happened for me, willing or non-willing - but not like this. Is that coincidence, just my mind overworked, or did something happen there which set things all wacky inside of me? I have no way of telling but I have to wonder. What if … just what if I was meant to die there on the ground in Brighttree? I very nearly was dead for a few moments. No breath, no pulse. So what if I should be dead right now and I am not … and … because of that … I …
Oh forget it! It is just too creepy and weird to even write down! I need to keep this to myself and try and be as okay as I can be around everyone. I am just happy I am free, free of my father and his hold he has had on every part of me for so very long. Now I just fear loosing Pallas in some other way … and my dearest friends. Oh, I love you all so much.
Friday, 07 March 2008
Pallas gave me some of my tea and cut the glass sliver right out of my finger. I thought it would hurt more but it really did not. Maybe it was the relaxing herbal mix of tea I use to help people in pain from their really bad injuries, or maybe I’m growing accustomed to having so many injuries myself, but I was quite proud of myself. More importantly, Pallas was not upset with me for going to Old Dundee. At least I do not think he was - he says he understood and only wished I’d have waited for him. Though just as soon as he had started to talk to me about it all, he stopped. I reckon he was not really up for talking as much as he was getting the glass out of my finger so I could heal the wound over. I do not blame him one bit and mayhaps later we will speak of it, if he wants. Alone on a nice beach under the stars.
I did get to talk to Will a bit about the experience I had yesterday. He was kind and listened to me as we sat in the dream room and he reminded me gently that N’rolav is deigned to twist and everything around and that my reflection in the shard of glass was just another way N’rolav would turn something of beauty into something scary and ugly. I calimed he was boased but I know that he speaks the truth. N’rolav takes what is good and makes it bad, what is pretty and turns the image frightening. It takes our hopes and dreams and crushes them into nightmares and our worst fears. I know this is all too true, for I’ve more then experienced it - and though the place, especially Old Dundee, makes my skin crawl and my spine shiver, I know that I now have more control over myself and my own mind when it comes to the fears and nightmares concerning my father.
Yes, he is finally ALL dead, and though I am still slightly scared inside, I hope that too shall pass along with him and I hope it has enough already so that I can stand to be in some places I would rather not have to be. I think testing myself that way in Old Dundee was the best thing I could have done - and I’ve no regrets concerning it.
Now, on a side note, totally unrelated, I could not be happier with the new design of the cover of my trusty and loved, here journal. A big giant thank you,a hug and a kiss to you, dear Aroha! I thought I was artsy, well was I ever wrong!
I did get to talk to Will a bit about the experience I had yesterday. He was kind and listened to me as we sat in the dream room and he reminded me gently that N’rolav is deigned to twist and everything around and that my reflection in the shard of glass was just another way N’rolav would turn something of beauty into something scary and ugly. I calimed he was boased but I know that he speaks the truth. N’rolav takes what is good and makes it bad, what is pretty and turns the image frightening. It takes our hopes and dreams and crushes them into nightmares and our worst fears. I know this is all too true, for I’ve more then experienced it - and though the place, especially Old Dundee, makes my skin crawl and my spine shiver, I know that I now have more control over myself and my own mind when it comes to the fears and nightmares concerning my father.
Yes, he is finally ALL dead, and though I am still slightly scared inside, I hope that too shall pass along with him and I hope it has enough already so that I can stand to be in some places I would rather not have to be. I think testing myself that way in Old Dundee was the best thing I could have done - and I’ve no regrets concerning it.
Now, on a side note, totally unrelated, I could not be happier with the new design of the cover of my trusty and loved, here journal. A big giant thank you,a hug and a kiss to you, dear Aroha! I thought I was artsy, well was I ever wrong!
Thursday, 06 March 2008
I gazed deep into a shard of glass today, a broken piece of glass, the edges blackened and dirty - the glass itself was spidery and chipping away, but still quite sharp as a sliver found its way into my finger from my intense grip. The reflection I saw was not quite what I see in my head of myself, or what Pallas makes me feel that I am, or what others say. Beautiful, vibrant, intense, youthful, soft, unique. I saw an overwrought girl who looked as if she felt a bit older then her known age, her tired emerald eyes were darker then I remember them to be, and staring back at me as if she were in another realm the I.
Those eyes begged for her mind to stop spinning and churning - they begged for sleep. Her pale skin had an odd glow and a cut on her cheek, and there was dirt in her very tangled and unruly hair. I found it as I stood in the ruined tavern in Old Dundee as I looked around upon entering. This was after I stood up from the outside, presumably after another blackout, but I can not remember. Frustrated, I threw the broken glass to the ground and crushed it under my boot.
Rats tried to nibble at my feet as they became interested in what noise I was making - perhaps they thought I had crushed a tasty morsel under my foot and not some old busted glass, or maybe even my foot itself excited their appetites. ‘Why do they stay here’ I remember asking out loud, my attention on the rats as if they may reply to me a reason for why. The place is just a horribly disheveled mess and the stench is so foul that I am not sure how the rats can handle it even. Have they lost their senses? Have I for coming here? ‘Why am I here?†I addressed the rats, who paid me little attention, aside from my feet, and continued to sniff about through the garbage on the floors, uninterested in answering my questions.
I remember I had paced around for quite a time. I had to come back; my thoughts and my mind had driven me to walk there before I even knew where I was going. When I did realize, I knew that I had to see, I had to know … I had to find out if anything would happen to me … anything like last time. After some amount of time I stopped pacing and I stood as still as a bird, or a statue, with my eyes closed for a long while – or so it felt, just listening and feeling. But the only sounds I heard were the scampering of rat feet and bits of whatever it was they dragged back and forth through their rather large rat home holes within the failing tavern walls. All I felt was the winds caress me, blowing defiantly through the fallen walls and rustling up my hair. And I felt the shivers go up and down my spine that come with being within N’rolav, tantalizing my senses, but with nothing at all desierable. perhaps trying to awaken something deeper within me.
But I did not see HIM. I did not feel HIM near me, or within me - HE was not inside my head manipulating me … trying to hurt me or turn me … and despite the walls of ugly decay surrounding where I stood and despite the evil ground below me and the vermin that scurried about my feet - I broke down into tears of relief, falling right onto my knees onto the debris and filth coated floor. I had passed this test … at least for today … and that was something, wasn’t it? I must have collapsed again, but here I sit now, back against a tree and writing down my achievement. I know there is much for me to work out, and for Pallas, and I still feel off and out of my own skin, but today I feel I made some real progress. I just hope Pallas isn’t upset with me for coming here alone. or Lucy. Speaking of Lucy, I should go check on her ...
Those eyes begged for her mind to stop spinning and churning - they begged for sleep. Her pale skin had an odd glow and a cut on her cheek, and there was dirt in her very tangled and unruly hair. I found it as I stood in the ruined tavern in Old Dundee as I looked around upon entering. This was after I stood up from the outside, presumably after another blackout, but I can not remember. Frustrated, I threw the broken glass to the ground and crushed it under my boot.
Rats tried to nibble at my feet as they became interested in what noise I was making - perhaps they thought I had crushed a tasty morsel under my foot and not some old busted glass, or maybe even my foot itself excited their appetites. ‘Why do they stay here’ I remember asking out loud, my attention on the rats as if they may reply to me a reason for why. The place is just a horribly disheveled mess and the stench is so foul that I am not sure how the rats can handle it even. Have they lost their senses? Have I for coming here? ‘Why am I here?†I addressed the rats, who paid me little attention, aside from my feet, and continued to sniff about through the garbage on the floors, uninterested in answering my questions.
I remember I had paced around for quite a time. I had to come back; my thoughts and my mind had driven me to walk there before I even knew where I was going. When I did realize, I knew that I had to see, I had to know … I had to find out if anything would happen to me … anything like last time. After some amount of time I stopped pacing and I stood as still as a bird, or a statue, with my eyes closed for a long while – or so it felt, just listening and feeling. But the only sounds I heard were the scampering of rat feet and bits of whatever it was they dragged back and forth through their rather large rat home holes within the failing tavern walls. All I felt was the winds caress me, blowing defiantly through the fallen walls and rustling up my hair. And I felt the shivers go up and down my spine that come with being within N’rolav, tantalizing my senses, but with nothing at all desierable. perhaps trying to awaken something deeper within me.
But I did not see HIM. I did not feel HIM near me, or within me - HE was not inside my head manipulating me … trying to hurt me or turn me … and despite the walls of ugly decay surrounding where I stood and despite the evil ground below me and the vermin that scurried about my feet - I broke down into tears of relief, falling right onto my knees onto the debris and filth coated floor. I had passed this test … at least for today … and that was something, wasn’t it? I must have collapsed again, but here I sit now, back against a tree and writing down my achievement. I know there is much for me to work out, and for Pallas, and I still feel off and out of my own skin, but today I feel I made some real progress. I just hope Pallas isn’t upset with me for coming here alone. or Lucy. Speaking of Lucy, I should go check on her ...
Wednesday, 05 March 2008
[COLOR=thistle]Pallas and I spoke last evening and I hope I was successful in reassuring him of my feelings. We were at the roses, such a special place for us, it is - and we talked for a time, just holding one another gently as we spoke. it felt good, for I was weary and in need of his arms around me. I feel as if I have had the same headache for moons now, and recently I seem to have momentary blackouts more frequently then before. Most do not even notice, I play them off rather well these days. There is just so much to try and figure out, so much on my mind, I guess that I taught myself so long ago, all too well how to tune out certain things, and now my mind just continues on, after all these years to do so on its own, whenever it wishes, regardless of what I am thinking. I am not sure how else to figure it, unless I am unknowingly ill in some way, and this is a symptom. But it's happened for a long time, since before I found these lands, so I do not think so.
I am still feeling rather terrible about things. Reading that my words could be breaking his heart hurt me more then I care to write here, or to even speak of. I regret saying them, though I never said them as something I wanted, only something I had feared could happen to us. I obsess over things, and ponder them to pieces - it is just the way that I am, and I am so truly sorry for saying them and hurting him. I hope he understand a bit better now. And oh my thoughts are so emotional right now as I write in you, dear journal, but if I can not write them down in you, whatever they may be on any given day, then what good are you to me?
My sweet love - I just want you to know that I love you dearly and I always will and I just wanted to tell you that you've always been a wonderful and amazing part of my life. A blessing to me - like a dream to me, from the very moment we had met and through the friendship we built, we have quite unexpectedly spun into this now beautiful love. Whenever I think of you I melt a bit and I get a warm and fuzzy feeling on the inside - and you still make me blush! I know this is mushy, and I am sorry for that, but it is all true. There are just so many things about you which I can not help but loving, Pallas. Your eyes, your smile, your scruffy cheek, your touch … your laughter. And oh how I do love those charming and mischievous roguish ways of yours! I would have things no other way.
What ladies might you have charmed in the past, and could they resist those gorgeous brown eyes of yours - which glint and shine in the sunlight, or under the stars and whenever we speak? I know I can not. You always do whatever it takes for me - from a simple walk along the beach with your hand in mine, to saving my life and freeing me from my past, always knowing just what it is I need. You do not even act like it bothers you when I squeeze your hand way too hard in my moments where I need to hold onto it the tightest, for fear of being lost. You do not act cold, even when I know that you must be freezing, and you’ve given me your cloak and will not take it back. Now that is true love, is it not? I simply love you, my darling, and I always will.
I hope you know that the thought of you is always and forever within my heart and my soul, my sweetest love.
Yours tenderly and lovingly forever,
Ellyana[/COLOR]
I am still feeling rather terrible about things. Reading that my words could be breaking his heart hurt me more then I care to write here, or to even speak of. I regret saying them, though I never said them as something I wanted, only something I had feared could happen to us. I obsess over things, and ponder them to pieces - it is just the way that I am, and I am so truly sorry for saying them and hurting him. I hope he understand a bit better now. And oh my thoughts are so emotional right now as I write in you, dear journal, but if I can not write them down in you, whatever they may be on any given day, then what good are you to me?
My sweet love - I just want you to know that I love you dearly and I always will and I just wanted to tell you that you've always been a wonderful and amazing part of my life. A blessing to me - like a dream to me, from the very moment we had met and through the friendship we built, we have quite unexpectedly spun into this now beautiful love. Whenever I think of you I melt a bit and I get a warm and fuzzy feeling on the inside - and you still make me blush! I know this is mushy, and I am sorry for that, but it is all true. There are just so many things about you which I can not help but loving, Pallas. Your eyes, your smile, your scruffy cheek, your touch … your laughter. And oh how I do love those charming and mischievous roguish ways of yours! I would have things no other way.
What ladies might you have charmed in the past, and could they resist those gorgeous brown eyes of yours - which glint and shine in the sunlight, or under the stars and whenever we speak? I know I can not. You always do whatever it takes for me - from a simple walk along the beach with your hand in mine, to saving my life and freeing me from my past, always knowing just what it is I need. You do not even act like it bothers you when I squeeze your hand way too hard in my moments where I need to hold onto it the tightest, for fear of being lost. You do not act cold, even when I know that you must be freezing, and you’ve given me your cloak and will not take it back. Now that is true love, is it not? I simply love you, my darling, and I always will.
I hope you know that the thought of you is always and forever within my heart and my soul, my sweetest love.
Yours tenderly and lovingly forever,
Ellyana[/COLOR]
Tuesday, 04 March 2008
I sit in the desert and write. Sometimes I even bash a zombie’s head off and stomp it into a pile of goop just to release some of my emotions in a physical way. I recommend coming to the endless desert if you are ever upset and want to cry and scream. It is the perfect place to do so because no one can hear your screams over the sounds of the already howling winds. Your voice just mixes in with the winds … and is carried away with all the other howls the winds carry with them. Lost somewhere ... maybe in space or time, like I kind of feel I am.
I had not realized how much what I said, in a moment of distress, had affected Pallas. I feel bloody awful for it, too. I have felt off since returning to the lands and I am not sure why. I’m very tired with little rest, per usual, and my mind is constantly running - same as always. There is just so much washing through my mind - like crashing waves over and over, the crests brining me different images and thoughts and feelings. I know my father is dead. He can not hurt me again. Not physically and he has not haunted my dreams in a form I can recognize since our return. So what is wrong? Why do things not feel right for me, or for Pallas? Or with my friends. I feel Im screwing up all over the place!! With Pallas, Lucy, Will ... No wonder I am drinking!
And my dreams are so lucid and full of visions of the journey, and I still can not comprehend everything. It overloads my mind and I get these wicked headaches when I try so hard to make sense of things.
I would rather die then be apart from my love and living knowing I had done something in some way to cause a seperation. I never meant for what I said to come across as it did or to cause him such nightmares and distress. I just meant if it could … be the start of the end, for any reasons at all - and I was feeling so down, I would rather not have gone to Brighttree to search for closure and peace. I would rather live haunted and afraid but be in his arms knowing he is loving me and protecting me. But … would that have been fair to him, to my friends? So many what-if’s - but aren’t there always?
Please, Gods, do not let this journey turn out to be something that I live … or die to regret.
Everythings gonna be alright ... everythings gonna be just fine ... isnt it?
I had not realized how much what I said, in a moment of distress, had affected Pallas. I feel bloody awful for it, too. I have felt off since returning to the lands and I am not sure why. I’m very tired with little rest, per usual, and my mind is constantly running - same as always. There is just so much washing through my mind - like crashing waves over and over, the crests brining me different images and thoughts and feelings. I know my father is dead. He can not hurt me again. Not physically and he has not haunted my dreams in a form I can recognize since our return. So what is wrong? Why do things not feel right for me, or for Pallas? Or with my friends. I feel Im screwing up all over the place!! With Pallas, Lucy, Will ... No wonder I am drinking!
And my dreams are so lucid and full of visions of the journey, and I still can not comprehend everything. It overloads my mind and I get these wicked headaches when I try so hard to make sense of things.
I would rather die then be apart from my love and living knowing I had done something in some way to cause a seperation. I never meant for what I said to come across as it did or to cause him such nightmares and distress. I just meant if it could … be the start of the end, for any reasons at all - and I was feeling so down, I would rather not have gone to Brighttree to search for closure and peace. I would rather live haunted and afraid but be in his arms knowing he is loving me and protecting me. But … would that have been fair to him, to my friends? So many what-if’s - but aren’t there always?
Please, Gods, do not let this journey turn out to be something that I live … or die to regret.
Everythings gonna be alright ... everythings gonna be just fine ... isnt it?
Monday, 03 March 2008
[FONT=Georgia][COLOR=lightsteelblue]
Another day and I am feeling lost in time,
And sadly without your lips on mine.
There is a pain deep inside of my heart,
Whenever we are reluctantly apart.
I busily go about my day with my family and friends,
I bless and heal and farm and run myself into a frenzy!
I think and write about how much I miss you,
I may even find myself pouting and sulking, too.
My mood it changes like a whisply clouded sky,
So many emotions like visions fly on by.
But love is patient and love is kind …
And love survives all tests of time.
~To Pallas~[/COLOR][/FONT]
Another day and I am feeling lost in time,
And sadly without your lips on mine.
There is a pain deep inside of my heart,
Whenever we are reluctantly apart.
I busily go about my day with my family and friends,
I bless and heal and farm and run myself into a frenzy!
I think and write about how much I miss you,
I may even find myself pouting and sulking, too.
My mood it changes like a whisply clouded sky,
So many emotions like visions fly on by.
But love is patient and love is kind …
And love survives all tests of time.
~To Pallas~[/COLOR][/FONT]
Sunday, 02 March 2008
[COLOR=thistle]
Will was there, with me and Pallas. He saw everything from his distance - he even fought the wolves, he wanted to help us, but could not. I feel terrible he was attacked, but he says I should not for I had asked him not to come, and it was his own choice to do so. He wanted to watch over us both to be sure we would be as safe as possible and incase we needed help. He stayed out of sight and far enough back we never knew he was there. He also gave me a gift as we spoke yester eve. He said it was from Brighttree and my hands were shaking and I felt about to faint as I held it in my hands. What could it possibly be? Opening the package revealed a small painting of … my Mother. It was the painting that rested at the end of the staircase from the greeting room hallway. I had not seen that painting in … in so long, and I was so moved I could not speak and tears flowed from my eyes unending as I clutched the painting to my chest, just shaking as I cried. I don’t think I let it go as I rested and here it sits in my lap as I write. I am not sure he will ever know what the small painting means to me and how much I appreciate what he had done for me.
He had found it under some clutter as he had explored inside, whilst Pallas was bending over me and all his attention was on me for a time, and it was relatively unharmed but for some dirt and smudges. I want to clean it but I am afraid I will just wash the image that is left un-dirty away and that would break my heart. I think I will put it upstairs by my bed in the knight’s quarters, I was thinking the mantle in the Mooon, but I feel shy about it - and also am not sure how my friends and family will feel about that. I…suppose I can talk to Lucy. I can talk to her about anything.
Or At least I hope I still can, after last night I am not even sure she wants to talk to me. I know I upset her, but I never meant that. She and Keldor had this daft idea of running around in the Dead Zone to see something, I forget what, and I was really against it. Can you blame me? I mean they are totally underestimating the power of that place and not to mention physically not in any shape to be there as of yet. So yeah, I said Id follow. How can I not? I guess I can understand how Will felt, wanting to follow me and Pallas, but that was different. It was a journey Pallas and I needed to take alone, I still feel that way and nothing will change that. This – well, it isn’t like they’re going there was going to benefit them, or be life changing in some way that they HAD to go - no not at all. A daft idea to me, only walking right into danger that has no credibility to back up so yes and THAT alone is why I would follow to protect them. But then, what more can I do, I am in the same abilities as they are and would most likely be struck down as well. So what is the point in any of us going, really? They did not go, but now my best friend is mad at me and thinking she is ... oh N’rolav, I am not going to spell it all out here but I wish she’d understand that what I say and do I do for my love for her!
Some things are just so frustrating and I wish Pallas was here, but truth is he is not. I am not sure why he is sleeping so much, or if he snuck away …
I can not even finish writing this entry, my mind is far too scattered with words and emotions. Aside from helping who ever is in need of my aide, I think I really just want to be left alone today - to stay in line with how lonely I really feel right now inside.
---------------
Lucy and I have talked ... and Lucas has returned. I am so happy for this.[/COLOR]
Will was there, with me and Pallas. He saw everything from his distance - he even fought the wolves, he wanted to help us, but could not. I feel terrible he was attacked, but he says I should not for I had asked him not to come, and it was his own choice to do so. He wanted to watch over us both to be sure we would be as safe as possible and incase we needed help. He stayed out of sight and far enough back we never knew he was there. He also gave me a gift as we spoke yester eve. He said it was from Brighttree and my hands were shaking and I felt about to faint as I held it in my hands. What could it possibly be? Opening the package revealed a small painting of … my Mother. It was the painting that rested at the end of the staircase from the greeting room hallway. I had not seen that painting in … in so long, and I was so moved I could not speak and tears flowed from my eyes unending as I clutched the painting to my chest, just shaking as I cried. I don’t think I let it go as I rested and here it sits in my lap as I write. I am not sure he will ever know what the small painting means to me and how much I appreciate what he had done for me.
He had found it under some clutter as he had explored inside, whilst Pallas was bending over me and all his attention was on me for a time, and it was relatively unharmed but for some dirt and smudges. I want to clean it but I am afraid I will just wash the image that is left un-dirty away and that would break my heart. I think I will put it upstairs by my bed in the knight’s quarters, I was thinking the mantle in the Mooon, but I feel shy about it - and also am not sure how my friends and family will feel about that. I…suppose I can talk to Lucy. I can talk to her about anything.
Or At least I hope I still can, after last night I am not even sure she wants to talk to me. I know I upset her, but I never meant that. She and Keldor had this daft idea of running around in the Dead Zone to see something, I forget what, and I was really against it. Can you blame me? I mean they are totally underestimating the power of that place and not to mention physically not in any shape to be there as of yet. So yeah, I said Id follow. How can I not? I guess I can understand how Will felt, wanting to follow me and Pallas, but that was different. It was a journey Pallas and I needed to take alone, I still feel that way and nothing will change that. This – well, it isn’t like they’re going there was going to benefit them, or be life changing in some way that they HAD to go - no not at all. A daft idea to me, only walking right into danger that has no credibility to back up so yes and THAT alone is why I would follow to protect them. But then, what more can I do, I am in the same abilities as they are and would most likely be struck down as well. So what is the point in any of us going, really? They did not go, but now my best friend is mad at me and thinking she is ... oh N’rolav, I am not going to spell it all out here but I wish she’d understand that what I say and do I do for my love for her!
Some things are just so frustrating and I wish Pallas was here, but truth is he is not. I am not sure why he is sleeping so much, or if he snuck away …
I can not even finish writing this entry, my mind is far too scattered with words and emotions. Aside from helping who ever is in need of my aide, I think I really just want to be left alone today - to stay in line with how lonely I really feel right now inside.
---------------
Lucy and I have talked ... and Lucas has returned. I am so happy for this.[/COLOR]
.:*Ellyana Lilli the Sylvan*:.
Age: Around 30 Autumns
Height: 5'1
Guild: Twilight Serenity
Profession: Cleric
Where-a-bouts: Flitting about like a leaf riding the wind...
.:*Ellyana and Pallas Art*:.
Sylvan and Perceptive - The Roses
Ellyana - Cloak of Thorns
Ellyana and Pallas - Tomb Trouble
.:*More*:.
.:*The Dark Grimoire*:. .:*DGPN Home*:. .:*Ellys DG Fourm Artstuff*:. .:*Twilight Serenity Forums*:.
.:*Random Pondering*:.
'Whom shall I love when the moon is arisen. Gone is my lord and the grave is his prison. What shall I say when my lord comes a calling. What shall I say when he knocks on my door. What shall I say when his feet enter softly. Leaving the marks of his grave on my floor...'
.:*Figments of Mentality*:.
'... I don't know who he is. In my dreams he does exist. His passion is a kiss ... and I can not resist.'
'I have a complicated relationship with zombies. They're dangerous, but I love their swagger.'
If I were a zombie, I'd never eat your brain. I'd just want your heart, yeah I'd want your heart, I'd just want your heart...
"If a zombie bites you, you turn into a zombie. However, if a mummy bites you, all you turn into is some schmo with a mummy bite..."
.:*Glints at the Storm*:.
155598
.:*Past Storms*:.
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